Forastero de Ohio/Ohio Stranger

Farts 2008

Posted in Ben Franklin, Comentario, Peo/Fart, Peo/Farts by alvarezgalloso on marzo 5, 2011

I have decided to write a satire on string odors by talking about the need to legalize the right to fart in public. I am writing in response to the laws which subject New Zealand Farmers to be taxed according to the Kyoto Protocols in their cattle emit more than the accepted amount of methane. The purpose of this law is also to control the Greenhouse Effect by controlling the odor of methane. The reality is that this law is unfair, unconstitutional, and discriminatory against those who fart because they cannot control it and those who fart because they derive pleasure from farting in public.

Farts are gasses that are formed by a combination of Hydrogen Sulfide [which gives farts their smells], hydrogen, oxygen, nitrogen, and carbon dioxide. Farts are produced inside the intestines as a form of fermentation of digested food and swallowed air which passes through the intestine and comes out as nothing more than a fart. All human farts and it must be remembered that Benjamin Franklin defended Farts in his address to the Royal Academy of Science in Great Britain in the year 1781 when he challenged humanity to “Fart Proudly”. It took a great man to convince the world of the need to let out some wind. After all farting is freedom.

If people can talk about human rights, what about the rights of humans to fart as a way of overcoming strong odors? After all, the way to overcome strong odors is to live with them. Who can remember the times when George W. Bush [the disaster who is the 43rd President of the United States of America until 2009 or until he is removed from office or resigns before the 2008 elections] talked about going to war in Iraq. When Bush mentioned “Regime Change”, Bush let out some silent but deadly gasses that left Condoleeza Rice, Dick Cheney, and Colin Powell with a sense of stimulation of the medula oblongata [vomiting in layman’s term].

We should mention that farting was allowed in Hitler’s Chamber Room since he drank motor oil to avoid farts and when he could not find any motor oil, he let it rip. Others were not lucky such as Stalin’s Personal Assistant whose last name was Molotov. Molotov was sent to exile in Siberia for farting in front of Stalin. After Stalin died, Khruschev rehabilitated Molotov but changed his mind after Molotov farted on Khruschev. This time, Molotov went to exile in Mongolia and stayed there until he was rehbilitated by Gorbachev. After rehabiliation by Gorbachev, Molotov spent his last years in his Moscow Dacha farting and tending to his garden

What about people like Le Pantomine and Mr. Methane who overcame strong odors in order to make a living by farting with music. What about the public who paid good money for Le Pantomine and pay good money to see Mr. Methane? Farting is part of the physiological process and must be allowed. People must learn how to live with farts and learn how to overcome its strong odors by using methods such as ignorance to Transcendental Meditation.
REFERENCE:

Franklin, Benjamin: “To the Royal Academu of Farting” 1781
http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/index.asp?document=470 assessed on the 19th of February 2008.

Tenacious D and The Government [Via You Tube]

Posted in Ben Franklin, Comentario by alvarezgalloso on enero 6, 2010
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“The Speech Of Miss Polly Baker” Ben Franklin 1747

Posted in Ben Franklin, Comentario by alvarezgalloso on diciembre 20, 2009

The SPEECH of Miss Polly Baker, before a Court of Judicature, at Connecticut in New England, where she was prosecuted the fifth Time for having a Bastard Child; which influenced the Court to dispense with her Punishment, and induced one of her Judges to marry her the next Day.

May it please the Honourable Bench to indulge me a few Words: I am a poor unhappy Woman; who have no Money to Fee Lawyers to plead for me, being hard put to it to get a tolerable Living. I shall not trouble your Honours with long Speeches; for I have not the presumption to expect, that you may, by any Means, be prevailed on to deviate in your Sentence from the Law, in my Favour. All I humbly hope is, that your Honours would charitably move the Governor�s Goodness on my Behalf, that my Fine may be remitted. This is the Fifth Time, Gentlemen, that I have been dragg�d before your Courts on the same Account; twice I have paid heavy Fines, and twice have been brought to public Punishment, for want of Money to pay those Fines. This may have been agreeable to the Laws; I do not dispute it: But since Laws are sometimes unreasonable in themselves, and therefore repealed; and others bear too hard on the Subject in particular Circumstances; and therefore there is left a Power somewhere to dispense with the Execution of them; I take the Liberty to say, that I think this Law, by which I am punished, is both unreasonable in itself, and particularly severe with regard to me, who have always lived an inoffensive Life in the Neighbourhood where I was born, and defy my Enemies (if I have any) to say I ever wrong�d Man, Woman, or Child. Abstracted from the Law, I cannot conceive (may it please your Honours) what the Nature of my Offence is. I have brought Five fine Children into the World, at the Risque of my Life: I have maintained them well by my own Industry, without burthening the Township, and could have done it better, if it had not been for the heavy Charges and Fines I have paid. Can it be a Crime (in the Nature of Things I mean) to add to the Number of the King�s Subjects, in a new Country that really wants People? I own I should think it rather a Praise worthy, than a Punishable Action. I have debauch�d no other Woman�s Husband, nor inticed any innocent Youth: These Things I never was charged with; nor has any one the least cause of Complaint against me, unless, perhaps the Minister, or the Justice, because I have had Children without being Married, by which they have miss�d a Wedding Fee. But, can even this be a Fault of mine? I appeal to your Honours. You are pleased to allow I don�t want Sense; but I must be stupid to the last Degree, not to prefer the honourable State of Wedlock, to the Condition I have lived in. I always was, and still am, willing to enter into it; I doubt not my Behaving well in it, having all the Industry, Frugality, Fertility, and Skill in Oeconomy, appertaining to a good Wife�s Character. I defy any Person to say I ever Refused an Offer of that Sort: On the contrary, I readily Consented to the only Proposal of Marriage that ever was made me, which was when I was a Virgin; but too easily confiding in the Person�s Sincerity that made it, I unhappily lost my own Honour, by trusting to his; for he got me with Child, and then forsook me: That very Person you all know; he is now become a Magistrate of this County; and I had hopes he would have appeared this Day on the Bench, and have endeavoured to moderate the Court in my Favour; then I should have scorn�d to have mention�d it; but I must Complain of it as unjust and unequal, that my Betrayer and Undoer, the first Cause of all my Faults and Miscarriages (if they must be deemed such) should be advanced to Honour and Power, in the same Government that punishes my Misfortunes with Stripes and Infamy. I shall be told, �tis like, that were there no Act of Assembly in the Case, the Precepts of Religion are violated by my Transgressions. If mine, then, is a religious Offence, leave it, Gentlemen, to religious Punishments. You have already excluded me from all the Comforts of your Church Communion: Is not that sufficient? You believe I have offended Heaven, and must suffer eternal Fire: Will not that be sufficient? What need is there, then, of your additional Fines and Whippings? I own, I do not think as you do; for, if I thought, what you call a Sin, was really such, I would not presumptuously commit it. But how can it be believed, that Heaven is angry at my having Children, when, to the little done by me towards it, God has been pleased to add his divine Skill and admirable Workmanship in the Formation of their Bodies, and crown�d it by furnishing them with rational and immortal Souls? Forgive me Gentlemen, if I talk a little extravagantly on these Matters; I am no Divine: But if you, great Men, (*) must be making Laws, do not turn natural and useful Actions into Crimes, by your Prohibitions. Reflect a little on the horrid Consequences of this Law in particular: What Numbers of procur�d Abortions! and how many distress�d Mothers have been driven, by the Terror of Punishment and public Shame, to imbrue, contrary to Nature, their own trembling Hands in the Blood of their helpless Offspring! Nature would have induc�d them to nurse it up with a Parent�s Fondness. �Tis the Law therefore, �tis the Law itself that is guilty of all these Barbarities and Murders. Repeal it then, Gentlemen; let it be expung�d for ever from your Books: And on the other hand, take into your wise Consideration, the great and growing Number of Batchelors in the Country, many of whom, from the mean Fear of the Expence of a Family, have never sincerely and honourably Courted a Woman in their Lives; and by their Manner of Living, leave unproduced (which I think is little better than Murder) Hundreds of their Posterity to the Thousandth Generation. Is not theirs a greater Offence against the Public Good, than mine? Compel them then, by a Law, either to Marry, or pay double the Fine of Fornication every Year. What must poor young Women do, whom Custom has forbid to sollicit the Men, and who cannot force themselves upon Husbands, when the Laws take no Care to provide them any, and yet severely punish if they do their Duty without them? Yes, Gentlemen, I venture to call it a Duty; �tis the Duty of the first and great Command of Nature, and of Nature�s God, Increase and multiply: A Duty, from the steady Performance of which nothing has ever been able to deter me; but for it�s Sake, I have hazarded the Loss of the public Esteem, and frequently incurr�d public Disgrace and Punishment; and therefore ought, in my humble Opinion, instead of a Whipping, to have a Statue erected to my Memory.

(*) Turning to some Gentlemen of the Assembly, then in Court.

The Maryland Gazette, August 11, 1747; first printed April 15, 1747

http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/index.asp?document=469

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Fart Proudly by Ben Franklin 1781

Posted in Ben Franklin by alvarezgalloso on diciembre 20, 2009

GENTLEMEN,

I have perused your late mathematical Prize Question, proposed in lieu of one in Natural Philosophy, for the ensuing year, viz. “Une figure quelconque donnee, on demande d�y inscrire le plus grand nombre de fois possible une autre figure plus-petite quelconque, qui est aussi donnee”. I was glad to find by these following Words, “l�Acadeemie a jugee que cette deecouverte, en eetendant les bornes de nos connoissances, ne seroit pas sans UTILITE”, that you esteem Utility an essential Point in your Enquiries, which has not always been the case with all Academies; and I conclude therefore that you have given this Question instead of a philosophical, or as the Learned express it, a physical one, because you could not at the time think of a physical one that promis�d greater_Utility.

Permit me then humbly to propose one of that sort for your consideration, and through you, if you approve it, for the serious Enquiry of learned Physicians, Chemists, &c. of this enlightened Age. It is universally well known, That in digesting our common Food, there is created or produced in the Bowels of human Creatures, a great Quantity of Wind.

That the permitting this Air to escape and mix with the Atmosphere, is usually offensive to the Company, from the fetid Smell that accompanies it.

That all well-bred People therefore, to avoid giving such Offence, forcibly restrain the Efforts of Nature to discharge that Wind.

That so retain�d contrary to Nature, it not only gives frequently great present Pain, but occasions future Diseases, such as habitual Cholics, Ruptures, Tympanies, &c. often destructive of the Constitution, & sometimes of Life itself.

Were it not for the odiously offensive Smell accompanying such Escapes, polite People would probably be under no more Restraint in discharging such Wind in Company, than they are in spitting, or in blowing their Noses.

My Prize Question therefore should be, To discover some Drug wholesome & not disagreable, to be mix�d with our common Food, or Sauces, that shall render the natural Discharges of Wind from our Bodies, not only inoffensive, but agreable as Perfumes.

That this is not a chimerical Project, and altogether impossible, may appear from these Considerations. That we already have some Knowledge of Means capable of Varying that Smell. He that dines on stale Flesh, especially with much Addition of Onions, shall be able to afford a Stink that no Company can tolerate; while he that has lived for some Time on Vegetables only, shall have that Breath so pure as to be insensible to the most delicate Noses; and if he can manage so as to avoid the Report, he may any where give Vent to his Griefs, unnoticed. But as there are many to whom an entire Vegetable Diet would be inconvenient, and as a little Quick-Lime thrown into a Jakes will correct the amazing Quantity of fetid Air arising from the vast Mass of putrid Matter contain�d in such Places, and render it rather pleasing to the Smell, who knows but that a little Powder of Lime (or some other thing equivalent) taken in our Food, or perhaps a Glass of Limewater drank at Dinner, may have the same Effect on the Air produc�d in and issuing from our Bowels? This is worth the Experiment. Certain it is also that we have the Power of changing by slight Means the Smell of another Discharge, that of our Water. A few Stems of Asparagus eaten, shall give our Urine a disagreable Odour; and a Pill of Turpentine no bigger than a Pea, shall bestow on it the pleasing Smell of Violets. And why should it be thought more impossible in Nature, to find Means of making a Perfume of our Wind than of our Water?

For the Encouragement of this Enquiry, (from the immortal Honour to be reasonably expected by the Inventor) let it be considered of how small Importance to Mankind, or to how small a Part of Mankind have been useful those Discoveries in Science that have heretofore made Philosophers famous. Are there twenty Men in Europe at this Day, the happier, or even the easier, for any Knowledge they have pick�d out of Aristotle? What Comfort can the Vortices of Descartes give to a Man who has Whirlwinds in his Bowels! The Knowledge of Newton�s mutual Attraction of the Particles of Matter, can it afford Ease to him who is rack�d by their mutual Repulsion, and the cruel Distensions it occasions? The Pleasure arising to a few Philosophers, from seeing, a few Times in their Life, the Threads of Light untwisted, and separated by the Newtonian Prism into seven Colours, can it be compared with the Ease and Comfort every Man living might feel seven times a Day, by discharging freely the Wind from his Bowels? Especially if it be converted into a Perfume: For the Pleasures of one Sense being little inferior to those of another, instead of pleasing the Sight he might delight the Smell of those about him, & make Numbers happy, which to a benevolent Mind must afford infinite Satisfaction. The generous Soul, who now endeavours to find out whether the Friends he entertains like best Claret or Burgundy, Champagne or Madeira, would then enquire also whether they chose Musk or Lilly, Rose or Bergamot, and provide accordingly. And surely such a Liberty of Expressing one�s Scent-iments, and pleasing one another, is of infinitely more Importance to human Happiness than that Liberty of the Press, or of abusing one another, which the English are so ready to fight & die for. — In short, this Invention, if compleated, would be, as Bacon expresses it, bringing Philosophy home to Mens Business and Bosoms. And I cannot but conclude, that in Comparison therewith, for universal and continual UTILITY, the Science of the Philosophers above-mentioned, even with the Addition, Gentlemen, of your “Figure quelconque” and the Figures inscrib�d in it, are, all together, scarcely worth a

FART-HING.

http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/index.asp?document=470

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